Christopher V. Flett

Time and time again, I hear stories from women about bullies in the workplace. Most of the times it is a man, but often enough, it is a woman. They live with fear that they will be the target of the bully’s wrath and do whatever they can do avoid any situation that might set the bully off.

A bully in the workplace is no different than the bully back in elementary school. They are driven by insecurity, looking to suck the power out of you by trying to intimidate you, scare you, or have you submit to their power. They can’t take your power unless you give it to them, but when you are in fear, it can be nearly impossible to stand up for yourself. To manage the bully, you need to understand what is going on. Here are the steps I suggest to clients:

Step 1 – Figure out why the bully has the need to dominate others. Is he/she stress driven, mean spirited, insecure, trying to protect their turf, or some other reason? If you know what drives them, you can better understand what sets them off.

Step 2 – Don’t make excuses for their bad behaviour. Women will try to justify why they are being treated like shit. “He’s in the middle of a divorce”. “He works long hours”. “He is passionate about the job being done right”.  These are all justifications that empower the bully, and dis-empower you.

Step 3 – Let the bully know that you feel uncomfortable and ask them to engage with you in a different way. You don’t need to make them wrong to be right. Instead of saying, “I don’t like when you speak to me that way”, say, “I don’t work well under this type of pressure. I can do my best when I have the information shared like this…”

Step 4 -  Start to document your interactions with the bully. Keep a note of every interaction where you feel like you are being bullied. Where it was, when it was, what it was surrounding, who else was in the room, and other details. This can be important down the road.

Step 5 – Let the bully know that you are not prepared to accept this treatment and that if it doesn’t stop, you will be forced to find a course of action to stop it. Don’t be confrontational, as it will feed the bully. Instead, approach it as void of emotion as possible: “I have asked you to interact with me in a different way. I am not prepared to continue this relationship in this model. We either need to find a new way to engage, or I need to find a way to ensure these interactions between us stop.”  Let him or her know that you aren’t going to lay there and take it. Often this is enough for the bullying to stop.

Step 6 – If the treatment doesn’t stop, find someone who you can engage with to remedy the situation. Don’t get upset or make it a personal attack. Let the person know the steps you have taken to remedy the situation and let them know that you haven’t been able to come up with a solution on your own. If you are working for a company where the boss (owner) is the bully, you won’t be able to change them so you’ll have to find another environment to work in. Don’t say in a place where fear is part of your daily work life. Life is too short to put up with this. Findings are now coming out that burnout and post traumatic stress disorder are often related to unsafe/unhealthy work environments. If your adrenaline is rushing as soon as you walk in the office or when the bully walks in, you need to do something to change the environment. Take matters into your own hands, if you are unsuccessful, ask for help. If you are still unsuccessful, find a new place to work.

Don’t dig in thinking that you can stick it out. You need to be in the right environment to reach your potential. A bully is going to sabotage your career anyway, so save yourself the headache and heartache and move on if you can’t remedy the situation.