Christopher V. Flett

When I worked as a bouncer, there was nothing that pleased the audience more than two women having a fight. The music would stop, the cheers would begin, and the two ‘ladies’ would steal the show. Sadly, these fights continue in the workplace long after the high heels are put in the closet, the glitter wiped from their eyelids and the paralyzers are put on the bar.

Not only is it common, it is expected, that women will pick fights with one another at work. Some of you might think this is a ridiculous statement to make, but how many times have you seen best friends at work have something happen, and they turn the cold shoulder on. They find a new friend at work and gossip about their old friend, sharing all her secrets, dirty laundry, and bad habits.

Guys don’t do this. The honor code of men states, “thou shalt not disrespect a friend, past or present, for it makes you look like a dink.” Women don’t have this. I’ve seen guys, giddy as schoolgirls, watch two women mouth off about each other, say derogatory things, and go to unprofessional levels to discredit the others. Then the men, who love cat fights, will stir the pot by saying to one of the combatants, “Jeeze Tina, what did you do to make Sarah so mad?” (this is delivered with a deer-like innocence and he will tell you that he is generally concerned. He’s not!).  Then Tina says, “Why. What did she say?” Then the guy says, “Umm….nothing. It just seems like she is really pissed with you.” This gets Tina pissed off and she starts spewing all the details of the drama with the guy who then repeats the process with the other woman. This is called, “stoking the fire” and men will do this to see how far either woman will take the conflict. If questioned, he was the ‘peacekeeper’ who was just trying to encourage them to talk. What he is really doing is looking to use their drama for his entertainment, knowing that like the Thunderdome, two women enter; one woman leaves.

How can you avoid this? Simple. DON’T TAKE THINGS PERSONALLY! In the book, I spend a who chapter talking about it because women will revert back to high school mindset and go nuts if the think someone is bad mouthing them at work. Here is what I would encourage you to do as an alternative strategy:

1. Consider the source of the information you are receiving
2. If someone tells you that someone is angry, say, “I think that if Sarah had a problem, she would come and speak with me.”
3. Don’t engage in the drama and if someone is emotionally charged toward you, take the conversation to a private area to discuss.
4. As soon as you get emotional (angry, hurt, disappointed, embarrassed), you lose. Their baggage becomes your baggage ONLY if you pick it up. If you don’t react,  you keep your power and take their power. This is a good thing.
5. Your work friends aren’t the same as your personal friends. Anything you tell a work friend should also be packaged for the whole comapny to know. I really don’t understand why women have a hard time with this. Business is business and friendship is bullshit at work. Your friends will screw you if the right situation arises. Think that I’m wrong. Tell me that your work friends are loyal. You will get bitten by that snake my friends. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.

Earlier this week, I was interviewed by CBS news and they asked me, “What can women do to be better managers?” My response was:

• Don’t take things personally
• Your staff aren’t your friends
• Don’t allow drama inside your team
• Focus on the end goal
• Remember that it is just work

You are a manager no matter what position or business you are in. For some you manage people, for others you manage clients. We all manage our careers and brand (what people say about us). If you engage in cat fights at work, you are no different from the women I used to pull apart in the bar, as the crowd screamed for me to, “LET THEM FIGHT!” Don’t be that woman. Stay powerful, stay focused, and control how others get to interact with you. Their drama is just that….their drama. Don’t engage in it.